When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
You Might Also Like
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
A woman drives into a bar.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”