GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
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Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Where’s my employee discount too?
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!