Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
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Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.