I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
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*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.