1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
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Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.