Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
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I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.