every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
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wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
LMAO.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it