CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
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Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!