WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
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NOT all policemen are strippers.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?