Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
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A classic…
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.