my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
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How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”