[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
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I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Haha! 😂
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”