Storm Tropical Storm
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“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.