Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
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I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.