My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
You Might Also Like
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
*weighs self after shaving
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.