Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
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My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.