ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
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YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.