If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
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Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Twitter fine art
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
constantly working on myself.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.