Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
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[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
why would tinder want me to say this
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.