son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
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CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.