I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
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*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
This is my emotional support knife.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes