when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
You Might Also Like
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I feel seen.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.