20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
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There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.