Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
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Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.