Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
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The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.