“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
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I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway