me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
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Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
He’s cranky this morning
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*