Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
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*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.