Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
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Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”