Saturday
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Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
It was worth a shot 😂
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.