What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
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HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes