JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
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amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
“The Perfect Relationship”
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.