[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
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Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw