spot the difference
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He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.