I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
You Might Also Like
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.