Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
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If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”