When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
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Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
why would tinder want me to say this
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send