JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
You Might Also Like
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
All. The. Damn. Time.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?