When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
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If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*