Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
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*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus