The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
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NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”