therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
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just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Me when my alarm goes off
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.