My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
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Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Ooh I do like a good funnel
*weighs self after shaving
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.