My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
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My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Body by sandwich.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I’m giving up ice.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly