Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
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“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Morning my dudes.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.