A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
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People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Penguins walking in 5x speed
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM