Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
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that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”