Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
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it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
🏙👨🏼
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.