If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
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when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
The news
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷