You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
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i now pronounce you bounced.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
good work, everybody
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.